The Last Woman On Earth
As I sit here typing this, I’m back in southern California enjoying the tranquility of the desert after a weekend of much needed rain. A few weeks ago, I quit my job in the Bay area, moved out of my apartment, and stuffed everything I own into my car, driving the (nearly) 8 hours back to my family’s home in the desert. After two weeks of reflection and contemplation, I sit here with immense gratitude for my experiences in 2018.
In the fall of 2018, I took a leap of faith by taking a job and moving my life up to the Bay area. It was supposed to be a fresh start, a new beginning to this next phase in my life. As it turns out, it was a new beginning, it just unfolded much differently than I anticipated.
“Who are you living this life for?”
This is the thought that came up in my mind on the night I finally accepted the depression was too much for me to handle on my own. For most of 2018, it lingered in the background like an annoying buzzing sound you can’t quite place. It began slowly, but by the last few months of 2018, I wasn’t aware of how much depression had made itself at home in my mind, body, and soul until that night. Don’t get me wrong, the crying at work every day for a month and a half gave me a clue, but on this night, I just felt this overwhelming sense that I didn’t want to live with this feeling anymore.
Sometimes the right choice is the most difficult one we have to make. On that night, I began a deep investigation of where this feeling was coming from. As the weeks went on, I made several sweeping changes to the way I was approaching my life. The light began to flood back in and I am grateful to the kind, compassionate, and loving individuals that helped to make this happen. To those who provided challenges and made the experience more difficult, I thank most immensely. Without them, I wouldn’t have the solid confirmation that I was making the decision that was most aligned with my soul’s purpose.
I’ve always chosen to lead by example. I want to live a life that is authentic and honest. After all of these years of taking care of others, I realized that the person I had been neglecting most was me. 2018 gave me the biggest examples of that. Sometimes, it takes a brief period of solitude to understand yourself at the most foundational level, to feel like you’re the last woman on earth. I’m back home now, starting the year off very similarly to how I did last year, only this time I’m the one who's different. I’m much more present, much more aware, and less fearful of what’s to come.
I am not sure of what comes next, but now I know that when I hear, “Who are you living this life for?”, that my answer is “Me”.